Friday, April 07, 2006

Even spiritual experiences happen through free and paid classifed advertising. In October 1998 I had one…
HUNDREDS of singles turn to the personal columns every day, not because of love or lust and not particularly because of a need to have someone who will double (if you are lucky it's only double) the household liquor bill.
The relentless searches for soulmates continue, not because of the human need for companionship or to share hopes and dreams. Certainly not because life is hopelessly incomplete without someone to use the last of the milk, eat with a clicking jaw or pick their nose when they think you are not looking.
All these are obtainable without the need to advertise in or read the classifieds. A series on the singles scene in Sunshine Coast Sunday not too long ago indicated lust and its consequences lurked around a lot of circumstances.
Love, of course, is another matter and I must wimp out of that discussion for space reasons, except to agree with the old song that "everybody needs somebody sometime".
The "sometime" is now clear. The personal columns and the premier singles meeting place, the Checkouts Connection, are so popular because singles are just plain s...less scared of the dark.
Having been forced to "batch it", I now know what it's like when you wake from a nightmare on a dark night thinking that a spook has just sat casually on the end of your bed causing a sudden indentation beside your legs.
It was definitely a nightmare because no self-respecting spook would waste his time causing someone who is awake and conscious to paralyse with fear for no reason; the presence went as the mattress sprung back, just as though a person had stood up.
One of the big positives in such a situation would be to hear someone breathing beside you and know that you are not being dragged off to purgatory to await the first and final call to board for a mega-long holiday in hades.
It doesn't pay to dwell on these sorts of things, as singles know. Burning lights all night lifts your power bill to the stage that you would suffer a housemate out of the Share Accommodation section.
People who are tiring of searching for that special person should consider wide range of options in the Checkouts.
Consider some decent stakes ex the Garden Supplies section in case the spook grows bicuspids? The same section will yield everything for a good crop of garlic.
Then, and I'm not really joking here, you can go through the Church Notices; try hypnosis; dial a counsellor; consult a psychic.
Hunting for a bargain through For Sale or Garage Sales may be good therapy by occupying your mind. You may take a step up to become a collector of Fine Arts/Valuables specialising in neotransylvanian, find that a Business Opportunity is heaven, or land a spook-free spot in Situations Vacant.
What the hell! Dozens of pages of spook-free properties for sale are published every week.And damn it! Why not snap up something from the Cars and let those spooks wallow in a stream of CO2?
In any case with Building Materials you can rig up a spook-proof cage around your bed.
Everyone knows that man's best security assistants are represented in Pets as the species "god" spelt backwards (I wish they would stop making that mistake).
Even the tradework section will chip in with triple deadlocks.
Isn't it just so comforting in the dead of night, when you are dozing with one ear cocked for the dragging of chains across the hall, to know that the Checkout Classifieds can help you.
Sleep tight and don't let the bugs bite. The Checkouts will take care of them too. Even sparing the love bug.
Just in case you didn’t know, this blog celebrates the 25th anniversary of Classie Corner, an editorial column by journalist John Rumney exploring the marvellous community of classified advertising. Already in just a few short months of the Classie Corner anniversary party, the archives have blown up but then been put together. A new computer crashed twice causing all sorts of lock-ups and lock-outs. That spook must still be hanging around but, what the hell, I am going browsing. So there. Feedback to

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